Hi everyone, this is my first long-form post of 2022. Hope all of you are doing well. Its been a long since we have chatted about life, philosophies, emotions, struggles, happiness and anything that makes us feel more connected and alive.
Well, it’s been a heck of a year, but phew, I am finally in a better place in my life. I hope you guys are rocking too. So, today, its not my mind pulling the strings – my fingers writing this blog, but it’s my heart typing, literally. (Side question – Have you ever experienced such a day? I would love to hear that. )
So, the thing is, I am perplexed. I was married (arranged), had a roller coaster ride (99% downside), tasted the worst phase of my life and pain to numbness, but finally got divorced last September. Initially post-divorce, I used to feel so angry because I loved that guy eventually, even though he packed my life with pain suffering, disrespect and a lot more, but ‘dil to dil hain na re‘ You can’t do much about this heart. But luckily, by the end of last year (2021), I got to know some more things about him, which suddenly flushed all the care and love left in me for him in the blink of an eye, then and there.
Suddenly I was free of thoughts about him. But some glimpses keep running in front of my eyes once in a while. They are about pain, helplessness, stupidity and blind love for somebody who never bothered, truly cared and wasn’t even the bit of a person he showed himself to be. These glimpses at times make me feel bad about myself – Why I didn’t speak up for myself early in the marriage. I should have taken the step in the initial days of the wedding when I came to know about the boy and his family’s reality. But, the invisible fear of ‘log kya kahenge‘ coupled with ‘the culture that we have grown in, give some time to relation, the first year of the marriage is never easy, blah blah, never let me speak up for myself.
That mistake of staying silent when instead I should have spoken for myself haunts me sometimes. I feel so stupid and bad for emotionally investing in somebody who never deserved a person like me. Well, enough said, hopefully one day soon those glimpses will be replaced with happy moments, and there will be no looking back, even for the sake of thinking of the past and not feeling anything.
Once I read somewhere, it’s the innocent people who get into the worst relationships and end up broken. Now that I have lived this quote, I know every bit of it was so true.
Trust me when I say regrets are painful. I regret marrying him every day of my life. It was the worst phase of my life. So, on that note, if you have any tips for erasing some bad memories or glimpses of some painful episodes from the past, I need to hear you out. Even if you have any suggestions, advice or anything that you want to share, I am all ears and looking forward to it.
Until the next time we meet, be happy, live life, stay safe, and spread positive vibes. The world needs it.
Happy Reading 🙂
Loads of love and regards
Sanguine Wordsmith With A Brush